Catching up is hard to do.....

Its been a long time since I posted!  Job changes, family changes, lots of ups and downs, mostly downs.....So many, I do not know where to begin.

Grams passed away, shortly after her starting to look so fragile.  It was a slow, downward spiral, that ended in Hospice and going almost to the last day they hold you there.  It wasn't fun.  Mom fretted and warted over the whole thing, like she could stop the inevitable by sheer will.  Even Moms iron willed force couldn't stop Grams from passing over into the light.  It was just time, the body could not keep going.  I miss Grams, her little ways, she made me laugh and we enjoyed so many happy moments with just little glances and eye rolls, between us.  We were like spoiled little sisters up to no good and enjoying that no one had caught onto our shenanigans!  My partner in crime is gone and now, its back to Mom and I.  She's not really happy, the world is coming to an end, people in the world hate us and want to do us in, and the government is just a bunch of liberals, picking the pockets of the innocent taxpayers who foot the bills for every crackpot scheme dreamed up in Washington DC.  Bunch of COMMIE/deadbeat/criminal/Muslim sadists!  I'm just a fool for trying to not think about anything, but whats on my plate in front of me!  Its every man/woman for herself here!  

Oh and did I mention?  Another round with cancer......yes....well....first...at the end of October 2010, my Dad passed.  I thought I wouldn't really be too disturbed about it, after all, so many things, so much water under the bridge and all.  But instead, I was hit with waves of emotions that had no words to describe them, no words in the dictionary to put ones finger on and say "AH HA!  Thats what I am feeling!  Thats what I am going through!"  There were no words I could say to someone to explain myself!  Insanity, confusion, absolute devastation, hurt, anger, melancholy, troubled, bottled up, hateful and something akin to a 2 year old throwing themselves on the floor and untouchable!  No ice cream cone was going to fix this.  There was no band-aid in the world that could cover the wounds.  Even now, I cannot come up with adequate words to cover the ordeal.  So I will leave that for now, just let it be whatever it was. 

 Right on the heals of that news, I came out of menopause.  Doctor thought, possibly stress?  Nerves?  We went into a holding pattern, waiting to see if the spotting and periods went back into dormant slumber, or continued.  They continued.  Doctor then began ordering up tests, scans, blood work, and finally, last ditch effort to put a name to the beast, two biopsies.  I knew the answers were going to be bad.  During the scan, the little sweet scanner, was chipper and chatty.  She moved me here, she moved me there, more pictures, more scans.  Chatting away.  Then silence, hold still, let me retake that.....let me move you a little this way, a little that way, no more chatter, no more lilt in her voice.  I knew she saw my troubles there on the screen.  When all was done and said, she hugged me and said she would pray that I felt better soon.  I didn't feel bad, just having periods with no rhyme or reason, actually, more of an annoyance actually.  Then I asked her to show me the scans, what made her quiet?  She tried not to show any emotion, she said, "Oh I can't diagnose you, that's for the Doctor to do"  Yeah yeah yeah...."Show me what you are sending him, please!"  She pointed to the screen, it looked sort of fuzzy....little lines through all of it and I could make out kind of what was what.  But one little spot looked like a black hole.  THAT was the enemy!  It was just solid, it stood out just because there were no striations, no fuzzy, just a black mark, like that spot had been filled in with a Sharpie.  Hmmmmmmm.....this can't be good.

The next day, the Doctors office called, they had made an appointment with an OB/GYN and they were quite adamant that I not cancel this appointment of be late!!  When had I EVER done that?  The appointment was a day later, to a doctor that normally took months to see, and I was the last appointment of the day (I bet they were staying late, just for me).  The Doctor, Dr. Harris, met me, a smallish man, big personality, somewhat stern and an odd duck.  He started with he wanted a repeat scan....my objections were quickly stifled with, he liked to do his own!  Well ok then....I was given a gown...I was getting sick of these things...and led around the building and asked to change and get up into the typical, assume the position, we want to look at your insides, your personal spaces, no kiss, no dinner, no flowers.  It seemed like a really big room for this task.  He popped his head in, "was I ready?".  Sure, go ahead, look at my exposed privates....sir!  In he came with his nurse, assistant, partner in crime.  He got right down to my business.  Warned me of things he was doing, feelings, and now this is going to happen, all the while, looking at the screen.....I made a few smart remarks, and for a few minutes, they both played along......then that deafening silence.  Gee, I sure know how to close down a party, eh Dr?  More probing, more prodding, more observation, more poking.  And just about the point I was ready to give him a rectal exam, he stopped.  It was over.  He said "Lets go to another room, and I'll carry your things for you!"  Hmmmmm.....I looked both of them in the eye....looked like sharks looking back, I had this sudden feeling I wanted to run, to grab my things from his hands, knock him to the ground and run out the front door, gown flapping in the wind!  I said, "No, I can carry my own things, thank you!"  The nurse shook her head....like no you can't....and he said "No, I'll carry them!" Very insistent!  I said "Why?"  He says "Because I'm going to do something very mean to you in a few minutes and this will make me feel better!"  Well, alright then.  Confused, dazed and feeling like my head was about to explode, I made my way down the hallway, back around the building, no one else was left, all the staff except him and the nurse were left.  This didn't feel good.  My ears were ringing, I could feel and hear my heart in my ears.  The nurse stopped my at the room she wanted me in and said "In here!  Hop up on the table and the Dr will be with you in a minute.  He had disappeared, then she did too.  Oh what diabolical plot were they about to unleash on me?  Were they looking for the spiked dog collar?  Handcuffs?  Devices to torture me with? 

 I looked around the room, an instrument table on wheels sat nearby, neatly covered something underneath.  A sink, soap, towels....and small stool on wheels, drawers and a window much too small and high to climb out of.  I took a deep breath....whatever....its going to be whatever its going to be.  Then his little knock, in he came, all suited up in blue garb, a face mask, and gloves and the nurse right at his side.  Oh this really can't be good!  He said "I want to do a biopsy, or two!"  I said ok...they weren't smiling.  He went straight to work, the nurse whisking off the cover and a line of very serious looking tools, all covered in packages and plastic, he directed her to the ones he wanted unsealed.  They worked quickly and quietly.  All the sudden, he produced a large syringe and told me it might sting, it might hurt....I kept looking at the ceiling trying to decide why nothing was up there to look at, no tiles to count, no crystal mobile to distract me.....then I felt it....it was like a bunch of bees attacking one little soft spot.....possible those African killer bees....maybe wasps?  It hurt like Hell!  "Ok, now I am going to do the biopsy".  Are you kidding me?  You mean we are not done yet?  Oh Mother of Pearl  I couldn't breathe....I wanted to get up and hit him, but was immobilized from a deep pain.  He said "I'd like to take one more!"  I glared at him and hissed "Well take it now....or I am leaving!"  And quick as a wink....another searing swarm of bees attacked my insides.  I was sure I would faint. 

 Once done, he tossed the weapons to the tray and smiled "See, I told you I was going to do something mean!".  Yes....I get it!  You were right....I should have ran when I had the chance!  He covered the already labeled containers and advised he would have the pathologist get right on this and I should call him Saturday morning and scribbled his home number on a piece of paper.  Now I knew the end must be near, no Doctor, no matter how lovely EVER had given me a home number.  Maybe a beeper number, but NEVER a home number!  This was Wednesday.  Ok fine...Saturday I will call you at 3 am.....just for giggles.....after all, he had just rearranged my uterus in such a way I didn't think I would ever want ANYONE to touch it again!  I felt sure this wasn't going to end well. 

 I went home, barely breathing, barely aware, trying to keep all those thoughts outside of me, What if?  Shut up little voice!  Maybe its curable?  Shut up!  This would be ANOTHER round of cancer!  NUMBER 3!!!!!  Shut up SHUT UP SHUT UP!!!!  I went to bed.  Tried not to think, glad he had at least given me something to take the edge off the pain, and soon dropped off to sleep. 

In the morning, I ran about, getting ready for work, slipping a few pain pills into my bag for the day.  Ok, purse, bag, keys, cell phone, check check check.  Off to work.  I got there early, as usual, ready to spend a day in mindless misery, listening to people drone on about their packages that hadn't arrived on time, a day of skiing missed because some special doo dad had not shown up for its promised delivery time of 10 am!  It now being 10:01!  These problems seemed to pale in comparison to the hamster wheel running in my mind. 

 The Doctors office called, just as I started to log into my computers.  Oh joy!  Yes?  They said the doctor wanted me in his office right away.  "For what?" I asked sullenly.  The results are back!  Oh, what fresh slice of Hell is this?  I started to argue and point out, I had plans to call him Saturday....EARLY morning!  3 am to be exact, seemed fair to me!  This is only Thursday missy!  Way too soon to be back in his presence just yet, I was still wincing!  Yeah, that didn't move them in any kind of way, except to become rather pushy and demand I come directly to his office NOW!  I hung up. 

 How could I?  This was a new job, I had just spent the last 6 weeks training, testing and preparing for this, and if I missed a day, I felt surely my job would be in jeopardy!  These people were without any empathy whatsoever!  I looked around, no boss in site, just a dimmed down floor...they did that so people kept their voices down, and all the computers glowed in the semi light.  I realized I was crying, I was gasping, my ears were ringing so loud I was sure someone would tell me to dim it down a notch!  Then there were 2 of my classmates, whats wrong, why are you crying....then I saw my trainer, Jessica...she was like Roger Rabbits wife....very sexy pretty in a very fresh faced girl next door look, with strawberry blonde hair and freckles and very soft eyes!  It all gushed out, she knew about the scans, the tests and so on, because on a few training days I was afraid I might not be there on time (I was, but I fretted!).  She said "Go!  I'll let them know for you!  Keep us posted!" 

 I grabbed up my things, and rushed out the door, calling Mom, calling friends, in pure panic, hoping someone would say "Its nothing!  They are just being dramatic!  Nothing to see here!"  But no one said that!  I was driving down the interstate in seconds, and knew my life was going to change, change in ways I could not possibly imagine, and just prayed I would make it out alive on the other side.  BREATHE DAMMIT!  My Mom came in minutes behind me.  We were ushered into his office.  He appeared, birdlike, with a manila folder in his hands.  "Well, its not good".  OH?  I thought I was here to get a balloon and some popcorn!  And....and....and...???

"This is a very vigorous form of pre-cancer cells, that can turn very quickly and move very quickly".  We need to operate and it will have to be Monday, as that is my last day of surgery, as I will be leaving for a long vacation later in the week, and would not be able to perform an operation until next month, and that would be too late!"  Wait wait wait!  I need a minute here...he gave us the run down, the options "Do it or die!" and a warning not to think too much about it, he was good and he would do whatever it took to get it out of me.  He was only concerned that it had not perforated the uterine wall, nor spread!  

My time slipped past so quick, running around, trying to make arrangements, in case, in case of what, I wasn't sure, but I made notes, things for this person, things for that person, and no time to see a lawyer, to draw up papers, legal or otherwise.  Going in for blood work and pre-op and I was just numb.  I didn't want to think about anything except what was right in front of me.  I didn't want to talk,  I thought about Grams, my Dad, my Granny, all the people ahead of me in line.  I heard my pets would be there waiting, I missed some of them still!  I prayed.  Every once in a while, I would catch myself, in a moment of weakness, and cry, then scream "Devil get away from me!" and move on through the next task!